Miracle Whip Contest–I don’t qualify.

I saw on Twitter that Miracle Whip has a Youtube contest where you tell how Miracle Whip has helped or hindered a relationship of yours and you could win $25,000 for you wedding or divorce. That’s cute right?
Well, I hate Miracle Whip. So I cannot write a Youtube script that would ring true or be endearing, and I’m not getting married or divorced. But I have a Miracle Whip story that’s worth telling and it’s the reason that I still flinch and gag whenever I even think that Miracle Whip might be in a sandwich I’m about to bite into.
It was the 80s and I was traveling north on the 405 freeway from Long Beach, California, (where I lived) to Azusa, where I was finishing up Beauty School. I’m sure I was talking on my “brick” phone with one hand and eating my Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich with the other, while steering my ’68 Plymouth Barracuda with my knee and going 80 miles an hour with traffic. (I live in Chicago now and I miss driving alongside my fellow “pro” freeway drivers.)
About 2 miles up ahead was the 91 east to west onramp overpass to the southbound 405 and a huge freight truck was on it. The truck’s cargo must have been packed to the top of the refrigerated interior because, as it took the curve on the overpass, the whole truck, minus the driver in the cab, tipped over and fell onto all of the northbound lanes. Luckily, it was early morning in the middle of summer so as cars approached the freight compartment as it was falling they were able to avoid being crushed or hitting it. Not so lucky for people in cars like me who saw what was happing up ahead: we witnessed the top of the freight compartment popping off like a squeezed frozen juice container as it hit the pavement. Only no juice squirted out: just boxes containing thousands of jars of Miracle Whip. And those jars of white fluffy spread popped and broke and began to spew its sploof all over the freeway so the next “wave” of fellow Los Angelino fab drivers began to slip and slide all around like bumper cars at a carnival; only we were all such good drivers that we had slowed down by the time we came to the Miracle Whipastrophe that we never hit each other.
I had never had a problem with Miracle Whip before the incident. I usually bought Best Foods mayo but if Miracle Whip was in the house–I liked it just as well. But after I spent that whole summer smelling the sun cooked Kraft product in my car, it’s a wonder I have not had trauma therapy for that condiment calamity. That whole summer was spent washing and power washing the underside of my muscle car: in the wheel wells, the undercarriage, engine… Miracle Whip, I don’t qualify for your $25,000 but is it too late to ask for a new car?
jon-david is the author of, Mafia Hairdresser, available on all eBook formats and Smashwords.com. His second book will be on sale this fall and can be previewed with book 1.
Original Twitter post from @MiracleWhip
“Tell us how MW affects your relationship for a chance to win $25K for your wedding or divorce @ http://t.co/JrhSnEk. No purchase necessary.”
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I’m a hairdresser who writes. Take your tech and shove it.

I’ve just wasted hundreds of dollars, many hours, months, stress and lots of karma points trying to apply tech blogger savvy to my writing. I have a damned good book to sell, Mafia Hairdresser, and I will do everything it takes to make sure that as many people read it as possible; BUT I am throwing in the towel trying to become a professional blogger to do it. By the way, this is my #TechWeek “tribute,” and my hats-off-to-bloggers, and my shitty apology to my BF & social media friends who said they’d love to help me.
If you know me, I hang around a very cool group of Chicago social media specialists. They have thier own companies, are paid handsomely for thier blogging or Twitter services, and they have all learned how to utilize their posts to drive search engine rankings to thier benefits and connect with other bloggers. It is my understanding that WordPress is now the ultimate blogging application and that it is magic and a must for linking people to your product, profile and services. All my friends use it and they strongly recommended that I use it. It only took me two months to discover that it’s not a website or host and that my website’s builder is not compatible. I had to learn what a MySQL, SEO and figure out File Transfer Protocol (FTP) was and why I needed it. I also learned there is a whole inner-sanctum of WordPress users that remind me of the Dungeons & Dragons clubs of the past: I just don’t want to learn how to delve into the different levels–I just want to play!
You’d think that I would have asked my friends for some help after I bought a hosting service from Bluehost to replace my GoDaddy service and couldn’t figure out a new dashboard. But my BF is an IT specialist. Not a website builder, mind you, but he knows a hellava lot more about how to build a website and move a blogging application into it. Well, it turns out, it was the last thing he wanted to do and I tortured the poor man for two months so, by the time I had time to start asking help from friends, I was so brain-fried and frustrated that I got my money back from Bluehost (they were sweet & I’ll be back!) and trashed the idea of using the culty WordPress application and now I dare anyone to console me or tell me that they’d be glad to help me until I cool down. “I will cut you,” may not just be my motto.
I have read Smashwords Marketing Guide and WordPress All In One For Dummies, and countless manuals on how to upload my book for Kindle and iBook formats. I am as savvy as I’m going to get right now and I’m going reject anymore tech related material that comes my way. This Bloggy Blogger Blogspot will have to suffice for a while and now I will blog once a week here. I will still blog weekly for The Local Tourist magazine under my Twitter handle @mafiahairdreser and, hopefully, bloggers will blog about me. It’s enough, right?
So now, my immediate to-do list: I have book 2, The Glow Stick God, to get ready to be available on eBooks, Smashwords.com and MafiaHairdresser.com. That means promotional videos, press, social media and cover design before November. I am also writing book 3, Murder There’s An App For That, about the murder of a good friend and the sometimes dark and funny side of being plugged in all the time being a “social media expert.” Yes, friends, I’m writing about you. But, if you’ve read, Mafia Hairdresser, or the preview to The Glow Stick God on the eBook version, you wouldn’t worry-I’m nothing but a pissy hairdresser & an ex-professional party boy who writes–AND I fictionalize the truth & I don’t like to hurt anyone with my writing except, of course, myself.

Description of Mafia Hairdresser

I need a short Description and a Long Description for my book.
Can you read these and tell me ANYTHING in the Comments? Open to suggestions.

It’s the get-rich-quick 80s and a young hairdresser climbs the L.A. social scene ladder to get more than he bargained for by moonlighting for a cocaine trafficking couple. Cars made out of coke, Hawaiian vacations, new clothes & lots of money makes a fabulously dangerous lifestyle that becomes murderous. Based on the author’s own fabulous life. Book 1 of a series.

Southern California in the 1980s was the apex of the universe for the pauper-impaired. Dynasty, Madonna, designer-everything, mobile phones and cocaine ushered in the Me Generation’s appetite for addictive living. In Los Angeles, a young hairdresser named, Jessy, dressed for success and wanted to get rich quick and got more than he bargained for by moonlighting for clients like, Big-Don, who owned a chain of auto-repair shops and supplied drugs to the Hollywood elite. Big-Don’s wife, Claire, whose habit of employing young hairdressers for more than her fashion appetite gets Jessy hooked on more than a new lifestyle.
Jessy’s day-job, at an upscale salon, Beautious Maximous, becomes strained as his co-workers and employers try their best to keep the boy grounded despite the manager being the town’s “queen” of gossip and his friends having to deal with the oncoming age of compulsory condom-sex due to a new un-named plague.
This Mafia Hairdresser is gifted cars, clothing and coke. Vacations to Hawaii, attending music & movie industry parties, and all-you-can-snort cocaine from the mob couple only temporarily mask the fact that Jessy had become part of the crime family where there is no such thing as quitting or leaving. Must this Mafia Hairdresser resort to drugs, blackmail and a possible accidental manslaughter?
Mafia Hairdresser is Book 1 in series and based on the author’s own fabulously dangerous lifestyle.

Mafia Hairdresser is already available for Kindle. After these descriptions of the book are finalized, I’ll be able to make the book available on all Ebook formats such and Nook and ibooks.