50 Days of 50: Mafia Economy DAY 39

Mafia Hairdresser 5/17/2012     DAY 39

Let’s tackle the economy, business and finances, shall we? Time is running out for me and I want to leave this Earth knowing that I’ve helped you all in some way. And when I’m escaping my assisted living facility and wandering the streets of some anonymous mall-burb of Chicago I’ll be able to shout, “Don’t you know me?” to the drivers of the cars honing at me in my bathrobe. “I’m the man who saved the world!”

Oh, I know what you are thinking: What can a hairdresser possibly know about money and business? After all, on paper, I’m pretty broke and my profession is one of the most unprofessional professions in the United States of America. Hairdressers have no real working union. We don’t conform to any type of business acumen or standard, from stylist to stylist or salon to salon. Our attire would never be called business anything, let alone business-casual. Most salons or beauty schools do not teach their employees things such as marketing, saving, buying or spending. And 90% of most salon businesses do not even provide benefits of any kind. (This is why I have begun to break into the lucrative and secure business of writing.)
But I’ve been a hairdresser who had many clients who were business-minded, smart with their money, and it is they who have taught me the many tips about business and money that I’ve applied for my own industry. And since all of my business experts have told me it was their mistakes that taught them the most, I’ll share mine: All of my business savvy clients (and my parents) told me to save.
I had a nice growing nest egg a few years back. And then I got engaged and moved to Canada where I wrote two weeks, and then flew back to Chicago to work a week and I planned to keep this schedule up until the wedding. Unfortunately the relationship did not work out and I had spent some of my saved money on the wedding that never happened which meant that I had to build up that next egg again once I fled back to Chicago permanently. (I lost thousands on deposits for locations, equipment, ABBA impersonators and fog machines.)
Due to the stress of that failed move, a broken and tumultuous relationship, and much sadness and mental self-reproach, I got very sick. It wasn’t anything I had to stop working for, but I was miserable for many years.
If you must know, I was diagnosed with IBS, which was just a catch-all syndrome that, I believe, my doctors gave to my condition which just meant “you’ve stressed yourself out so much that you can’t digest food properly.” It was just as painful to experience the “IBS” as it was to realize that I probably inflicted it upon myself.
While I was trying to remove the pain in my body, my nest egg began to evaporate completely because, foolishly, I kept up my lifestyle in my new downtown Chicago apartment and travel, and I began to use my credit cards to pay some of my doctor bills which accumulated and was not covered by my shitty insurance (which is the only kind most hairdressers can afford).
I’m a hairdresser, and even I can look at the balance sheet of my country’s finances and know that it ain’t going to get any better any time soon so we all better stop spending and start saving–individually and as a country. (As citizens we should, at the very least, start rioting more to make the CEO’s, corporations and churches start paying their fair share of taxes.) I’ll be finished paying off those credit cards very soon but I wish I had used my head instead of my pain to help me make better spending and economic decisions and I should have never touched my savings and I should have continued to save.

So start a saving plan today, if you haven’t already. I think answers all your business and economy and money questions that you might have had for me. And keep voting, and voicing your opinion about business and spending in these United States. March if you feel moved to do so. Learn stuff. See? It’s pretty simple. And you thought we couldn’t solve all of this in one chapter.

And, if you do get sick, do go for the more Eastern or holistic approach to your healing. I would have saved so much money if I had just given up on the medical specialists. My own doctor, Dr. Michael Close was the best and even he advised me to investigate more “healers” than Western specialists. It ended up working for me.


You are more than welcome to help me pay off my credit cards by downloading my two novels. Mafia Hairdresser, which is based on my experience of being hairdresser to a mob couple in the 80s. The sequel, The Glow Stick Gods, is about a hairdresser in the 90s who believes that his party-life will never end and he seemingly finds true love–in Canada… It’s also based on stories about my friends whom I’ve lost in one way or another in the “A-list” party scene and people like the “Chicago taxi-cab murderer:” just one of the many characters I’ve been quite acquainted with.

Click on Book Covers below to read more. These will be your favorite summer reads.

Thank you. And, You’re Welcome.

Mafia Hairdresser

The Glow Stick Gods


50 Days of 50: More Age-OLD Wisdom From Mafia Hairdresser DAY 38

Mafia Hairdresser

5/16/2012      DAY 38

Crap. The ticking time bomb that is the countdown to my actual fiftieth birthday is click-clacking loudly now. I cannot avoid the inevitable. I’m going be old and there is still so much to do and share with you before “B-Day” that I don’t know where to start. Do I tell you that you have to stop looking so closely in the mirror because it’s a waste of time and it only gets worse? Which reminds me: I have been completely too busy to work out as much as I wanted to during these 38 days. See how selfless I have been por vous-es? And now I’m going to look old and blobby on my birthday.
Or do I tell you that I cannot stress or recommend enough to you that you should start and write your own blog to be read by the public as you learn and rant and become a better human being? Writing all your thoughts about family and friends or ministers cuts down on all the wasted time you would have spent on the phone. Who needs so many friends or a church to go to anyway?
If you do write a “self-cry-for-help” blog of your own, please be proactive and buy plenty of thank you cards and stamps. You will have so many editors and punctuation specialists that you never knew you had before as friends who come out of the woodwork and they will be more than happy to help you become a better writer.
Oh. Here’s a big piece of advice that I hope you will heed: Don’t make any snap or rash decisions that you’ll regret in you life. Take a moment and breath and really think about committing to anything of importance. You might lock yourself into a commitment that will be impossible to keep, like quitting drinking during your birth month.
Don’t do drugs–unless you don’t have an addictive personality, or you do have an iron will and liver and your life-goals are stronger than the lulling drugs themselves. Sweet persons who just want other people to be happy and whose goals in life are like making the world a better place, or helping other people be happy, should never even dabble with drugs–you people don’t have a chance. Just learn to say no–to a lot of things; drugs included. I had fun in the 80s* & 90s**, but you all can’t be me.
Adopt a dog or two. And not from a puppy farm! Mutts from the pound last longer anyway. And you had better play with them every day and love them as much as they love you. Some days when you are sad, and you just don’t want to get out of bed because you found out that your fiancé’ of two years has been cheating on you, your dog will be the one spirit that can help you care about other people again and make you smile, more and more each day, until you find happiness again.
Take care of yourself. Feed your mind with books and learning. Feed your body with gluten-free natural foods and don’t spend your self-deprecation on being angry at yourself for eating a Big-Mac or three.
Feed your spirit by stopping your rat-race life daily, and do what makes you appreciate what you have: A daily thank-you prayer. A walk in the park. Pet your dog. Buy your spouse some flowers.
I think I’ve already said this, but in a different way: Don’t get caught up in ‘the doing.’ It has been a way of life for me, with bursts of zen and following my own advice, and now I’m not so sure it’s altogether the best way to live. I have been going like a bat out of hell from birth, accomplishing a good many things, but I know my relationships and dogs have suffered. I can say that I have suffered too.
Well, that’s it for today, my friends. I’m going to take a nap with my lab-doodle, Olive, and my Yorkie, Junebug. They’ve been giving me such good advice all along and today I’m going to listen.

Mafia HairdresserJon-David the author of the eBook novels,*Mafia Hairdresser (80s!) and the sequel, **The Glow Stick Gods (90s!).

Thank you to all of you who have been reading my 50 Days of 50 blog. It will be a eBook July 2013!

Twitter For Salons & SpasJon-David’s latest Book

It’s A Queer Way To Promote A Book…

Judy and J-D
The Judy From Schaumburg Show

I was so disgusted with myself as I went through my Blogspot-transferred-to-Wordpress 2011 Blogs.  I didn’t really have very many “gems.” Nor did I really promote the move to WordPress or write much on here. I saved all of my pithy prose for my more-trafficked blog at http://thelocaltourist.com  But that blog is specifically about me and my love for the City & People of Chicago. Where were my more personal writing samples for my reader fans of my books, Mafia Hairdresser, &  The Glow Stick Gods? Oh yeah, I’ve been promoting those books and I’m currently writing  book 3 in the series and c0-writing a celeb biography, AND I still pay the bulk of my bills with my income as a hairdresser. I guess I’ll forgive myself.

But I do want to connect more with other writers and make my WordPress Blog more fun and successful.  So, in that light, I’m going to let you in on a little “fun and cheeky” way I’m going to promote my first eBook, Mafia Hairdresser. It’s kind of a campy way of promoting what is, really, a mainstream book, but I’m gonna try it. My friends seem to think it’s the best idea I’ve had.

Here’s the back story to my book promo idea: In 1992 I moved to Chicago to finish my screenplay, Mafia Hairdresser, and pursue an acting career. In Long Beach, California, I owned a big salon, I was always in the press as a hairdresser, and I was still young and stupid enough to think I could just switch careers if only I could move away from the place where every one else’ perception of me seemed to keep me pigeoned into one career.

In Chicago, I was a student at Actors Studio and Second City for many years. And I ended up writing the book to, Mafia Hairdresser, by the advice of my friends back in Hollywood. Of course, I went back to doing hair to pay the bills, but mostly because my clients are my endless source of grounding and writing ideas.

Back in Long Beach, I never really hung around a gay group. I’m a gay dude, but I never really defined myself to the point that I would have to hang around other gay guys just because we had that miniscule commonality. In Chicago, I embraced my new gay friends.  The gays were having a great time here and I found out what I had been missing and I did every “gay” thing you could think of such as dancing shirtless on boxes while high on Ecstasy. (I blow that whole party scene, gay & straight, to bits in book 2: The Glow Stick Gods is the “tell all” about the Chicago Taxi cab murderer too.) And I hung out at Sidetrack & Roscoes, and I twirled a rifle to disco music in the Chicago Gay Days parade as a member of the Rightiously Outrageous Twirling Corps (R.O.T.C.). And I went to drag shows.

One Halloween, my buddies and I donned the drag ourselves. It was supposed to be a joke, but the joke was on me because I looked good! And, with my high voice, few knew I was a guy. By the end of that Halloween night, I got asked to MC two shows, as “Judy from Schaumburg;” the saucy-cougar character I cooked up for just that evening. The actor in me said, yeah!

Over the period of 7 years that I did plays in Chicago,  Judy from Schaumburg, got more gigs than me, which led me to some heavy re-evaluating. The result was that I killed-off Judy, and quit acting altogether, and then I concentrated on my two main careers. Well, my writing career and my books now need promotion, and I had the idea that I wanted to find someone who could interview me which would help sell my books. The interviewer had to get me and be intelligent enough to bring out the humor and camp in my deadly-serious yet humorous books. Matt Laur could do this, I’m sure, but I’m not there yet; ya know?

You get what happened next. But it took me a year to finally produce, write and direct “The Judy From Schaumburg Show.” I didn’t even know how to cut and edit video. I blew the sound, but it seems okay, this time, on this “Pilot.” Click below to see the finished product. I already know that many people do not know that Judy is me, and that might have to be our little private joke. But, if Judy makes you laugh, if you think she’s funny, if you get what I’m doing, please post this youtube video on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, or any other platform. I would really love for Judy to “go viral.” You can let your friends in on the joke or not. Say what you will, even if this is the lamest thing any author has ever done.

As a special Please and Thank You, I would love to give you a free download of, Mafia Hairdresser, and, The Glow Stick Gods. All you have to do is go to MafiaHairdresser.com and send me the request. I will send you a fresh coupon good for downloads on all formats via Smashwords.com

Click here to see the YouTube Judy From Schaumburg Show


I also guest write for SassyMomsInTheCity and soon for Chicagonista. I have found that I will always have a passion for doing hair because my clients provide me with endless stories and I work at Joseph Michael’s Salon & Spa.

Would you be so kind as to subscribe to my WordPress Blog? I will subscribe back and read your blogs! Especially if you nudge me on the twitter. @mafiahairdreser @judyschaumburg #shitmyhairdressersays Facebook

Thank you, Carrie Fisher

In the acknowledgment section of my book, Mafia Hairdresser, I tell author actress, Carrie Fisher, “it was because of you that I became a writer.” And this is true.
To my knowledge, I did not know Carrie Fisher in the sense that we ever exchanged words or thoughts. I’m not even sure if our eyes met or if she even paid the slightest amount of notice to me the many times our paths crossed. The reason that I’m not sure was that I was under the influence of many things, including youth and bashfulness, when we were both intermingling around the Hollywood party scene at the same time. Of course, I knew who she was, but I was a little twink of a hairdresser working for a mob couple and we got invited to all the same fancy shindigs where the coke was free and the Dom Perignon was on tap.
I loved watching Carrie Fisher, from afar, at those parties. She was captivating and funny and she was always making the men around her double over in pain from laughter. I do not know if she was under the influence of anything but a jacked-up magnetism, but I wrote a fictionalized interpretation of how I remembered the real Carrie in my first book; which also takes place in the 80s. I hope, one day, she reads my book and smiles. But I really want her to know that it wasn’t until years later that she became my inspiration to become a writer. When her book, Postcards from the Edge, came out, I was so impressed at how effortlessly she came through the pages. It was like I was actually listening to the real Carrie Fisher that I used to eavesdrop on. The humor and stabbing wit in her book made me laugh out loud and her story told of the era of when I had also been at those wild parties. I thought, I talk like this, I can write like this and I think I can do this too. I had also lived through those Hollywood high-times and I had a story to tell as well.
Thank you, Carrie Fisher. You still inspire me.
Read all of Carrie Fishers books, Postcards from the Edge, Surrender the Pink, Delusions of Grandma, The Best Awful, Shockaholic, Wishful Drinking. And do go see her Broadway play, Wishful Drinking!

  • jon-david is the self publishing author of Mafia Hairdresser, an 80s tale. (screenplay is finished too! and looking for an agent…)
  • jon-david’s second book, The Glow Stick Gods, about the 90s, is due out on all ebooks November 2011
  • jon-david’s third book, Murder, There’s An App For That, is due out on eBooks November 2012

Miracle Whip Contest–I don’t qualify.

I saw on Twitter that Miracle Whip has a Youtube contest where you tell how Miracle Whip has helped or hindered a relationship of yours and you could win $25,000 for you wedding or divorce. That’s cute right?
Well, I hate Miracle Whip. So I cannot write a Youtube script that would ring true or be endearing, and I’m not getting married or divorced. But I have a Miracle Whip story that’s worth telling and it’s the reason that I still flinch and gag whenever I even think that Miracle Whip might be in a sandwich I’m about to bite into.
It was the 80s and I was traveling north on the 405 freeway from Long Beach, California, (where I lived) to Azusa, where I was finishing up Beauty School. I’m sure I was talking on my “brick” phone with one hand and eating my Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich with the other, while steering my ’68 Plymouth Barracuda with my knee and going 80 miles an hour with traffic. (I live in Chicago now and I miss driving alongside my fellow “pro” freeway drivers.)
About 2 miles up ahead was the 91 east to west onramp overpass to the southbound 405 and a huge freight truck was on it. The truck’s cargo must have been packed to the top of the refrigerated interior because, as it took the curve on the overpass, the whole truck, minus the driver in the cab, tipped over and fell onto all of the northbound lanes. Luckily, it was early morning in the middle of summer so as cars approached the freight compartment as it was falling they were able to avoid being crushed or hitting it. Not so lucky for people in cars like me who saw what was happing up ahead: we witnessed the top of the freight compartment popping off like a squeezed frozen juice container as it hit the pavement. Only no juice squirted out: just boxes containing thousands of jars of Miracle Whip. And those jars of white fluffy spread popped and broke and began to spew its sploof all over the freeway so the next “wave” of fellow Los Angelino fab drivers began to slip and slide all around like bumper cars at a carnival; only we were all such good drivers that we had slowed down by the time we came to the Miracle Whipastrophe that we never hit each other.
I had never had a problem with Miracle Whip before the incident. I usually bought Best Foods mayo but if Miracle Whip was in the house–I liked it just as well. But after I spent that whole summer smelling the sun cooked Kraft product in my car, it’s a wonder I have not had trauma therapy for that condiment calamity. That whole summer was spent washing and power washing the underside of my muscle car: in the wheel wells, the undercarriage, engine… Miracle Whip, I don’t qualify for your $25,000 but is it too late to ask for a new car?
jon-david is the author of, Mafia Hairdresser, available on all eBook formats and Smashwords.com. His second book will be on sale this fall and can be previewed with book 1.
Original Twitter post from @MiracleWhip
“Tell us how MW affects your relationship for a chance to win $25K for your wedding or divorce @ http://t.co/JrhSnEk. No purchase necessary.”

I’m a hairdresser who writes. Take your tech and shove it.

I’ve just wasted hundreds of dollars, many hours, months, stress and lots of karma points trying to apply tech blogger savvy to my writing. I have a damned good book to sell, Mafia Hairdresser, and I will do everything it takes to make sure that as many people read it as possible; BUT I am throwing in the towel trying to become a professional blogger to do it. By the way, this is my #TechWeek “tribute,” and my hats-off-to-bloggers, and my shitty apology to my BF & social media friends who said they’d love to help me.
If you know me, I hang around a very cool group of Chicago social media specialists. They have thier own companies, are paid handsomely for thier blogging or Twitter services, and they have all learned how to utilize their posts to drive search engine rankings to thier benefits and connect with other bloggers. It is my understanding that WordPress is now the ultimate blogging application and that it is magic and a must for linking people to your product, profile and services. All my friends use it and they strongly recommended that I use it. It only took me two months to discover that it’s not a website or host and that my website’s builder is not compatible. I had to learn what a MySQL, SEO and figure out File Transfer Protocol (FTP) was and why I needed it. I also learned there is a whole inner-sanctum of WordPress users that remind me of the Dungeons & Dragons clubs of the past: I just don’t want to learn how to delve into the different levels–I just want to play!
You’d think that I would have asked my friends for some help after I bought a hosting service from Bluehost to replace my GoDaddy service and couldn’t figure out a new dashboard. But my BF is an IT specialist. Not a website builder, mind you, but he knows a hellava lot more about how to build a website and move a blogging application into it. Well, it turns out, it was the last thing he wanted to do and I tortured the poor man for two months so, by the time I had time to start asking help from friends, I was so brain-fried and frustrated that I got my money back from Bluehost (they were sweet & I’ll be back!) and trashed the idea of using the culty WordPress application and now I dare anyone to console me or tell me that they’d be glad to help me until I cool down. “I will cut you,” may not just be my motto.
I have read Smashwords Marketing Guide and WordPress All In One For Dummies, and countless manuals on how to upload my book for Kindle and iBook formats. I am as savvy as I’m going to get right now and I’m going reject anymore tech related material that comes my way. This Bloggy Blogger Blogspot will have to suffice for a while and now I will blog once a week here. I will still blog weekly for The Local Tourist magazine under my Twitter handle @mafiahairdreser and, hopefully, bloggers will blog about me. It’s enough, right?
So now, my immediate to-do list: I have book 2, The Glow Stick God, to get ready to be available on eBooks, Smashwords.com and MafiaHairdresser.com. That means promotional videos, press, social media and cover design before November. I am also writing book 3, Murder There’s An App For That, about the murder of a good friend and the sometimes dark and funny side of being plugged in all the time being a “social media expert.” Yes, friends, I’m writing about you. But, if you’ve read, Mafia Hairdresser, or the preview to The Glow Stick God on the eBook version, you wouldn’t worry-I’m nothing but a pissy hairdresser & an ex-professional party boy who writes–AND I fictionalize the truth & I don’t like to hurt anyone with my writing except, of course, myself.

Description of Mafia Hairdresser

I need a short Description and a Long Description for my book.
Can you read these and tell me ANYTHING in the Comments? Open to suggestions.

It’s the get-rich-quick 80s and a young hairdresser climbs the L.A. social scene ladder to get more than he bargained for by moonlighting for a cocaine trafficking couple. Cars made out of coke, Hawaiian vacations, new clothes & lots of money makes a fabulously dangerous lifestyle that becomes murderous. Based on the author’s own fabulous life. Book 1 of a series.

Southern California in the 1980s was the apex of the universe for the pauper-impaired. Dynasty, Madonna, designer-everything, mobile phones and cocaine ushered in the Me Generation’s appetite for addictive living. In Los Angeles, a young hairdresser named, Jessy, dressed for success and wanted to get rich quick and got more than he bargained for by moonlighting for clients like, Big-Don, who owned a chain of auto-repair shops and supplied drugs to the Hollywood elite. Big-Don’s wife, Claire, whose habit of employing young hairdressers for more than her fashion appetite gets Jessy hooked on more than a new lifestyle.
Jessy’s day-job, at an upscale salon, Beautious Maximous, becomes strained as his co-workers and employers try their best to keep the boy grounded despite the manager being the town’s “queen” of gossip and his friends having to deal with the oncoming age of compulsory condom-sex due to a new un-named plague.
This Mafia Hairdresser is gifted cars, clothing and coke. Vacations to Hawaii, attending music & movie industry parties, and all-you-can-snort cocaine from the mob couple only temporarily mask the fact that Jessy had become part of the crime family where there is no such thing as quitting or leaving. Must this Mafia Hairdresser resort to drugs, blackmail and a possible accidental manslaughter?
Mafia Hairdresser is Book 1 in series and based on the author’s own fabulously dangerous lifestyle.

Mafia Hairdresser is already available for Kindle. After these descriptions of the book are finalized, I’ll be able to make the book available on all Ebook formats such and Nook and ibooks.

Giving some Love to the Social Media Writers.

“A hairdresser who is a writer? That’s crazy!” That’s one of the tag lines I’ve seen written about me and I’ve even used the tag in my own pitch letters to media platforms to net additional comments and publicity for my writing. Additionally, I could use this tag line to add sparkle to articles I might write about many of my friends. All I’d have to do is take out the word, hairdresser, and replace it with “mommy,” or “tea peddler,” “refrigeration specialist,” “real estate agent,” or “environmentalist.”
We’ve all become writers. I believe it’s required of anyone who wants to succeed in business, whether you are an entrepreneur, a stay at home mom who wants to create a non-traditional revenue stream, or an employee who might be in a position to interact with customers via PR or social media.
I’m not going to tell anyone how to write or what to write. Because writing, for me, is mostly an artistic expression, when I have the time. The artistic writing is what I sell and what I would like to get attention for. It’s the “other” writing I want to talk about. It’s the writing and words we put together to get attention to sell our books, candles or TV shows and to “snare” new customers. We have all become writers; we write blogs, comment on each other’s websites and we tweet 140 characters–multiple times a day. Most of us use email and snail-mail to send our own press releases. I’m the only one who can keep up my personal informative & pithy Facebook updates. In this Information Age it’s key to keep the “content” going out “there” to keep our business in the minds of those people whom we are trying to reach and interact with.
This is a love letter to you, my fellow writers. Many times I get tired of blogging or writing press releases. I wasn’t born with a fondness for typing informational fliers to fellow staff members about book-signings or advice on how to be green. I do love to tweet. But it’s hard to keep it all up, isn’t it? Writing may or may not be a talent we possess. It may also not be our passion. Some of my friends are women with families & have a passion for children or tea. Or, like my friend, Mitch, has his own refrigeration repair business and loves specialty beers. And Lynne & Dr. Sarah have inspired passion for environmental issues. All of these people have businesses which encompass their passions and they also have blogs or books, and use Twitter and Facebook, to name a few, to make sure their business or passions makes them a good living. My hats off to all of us–just know that you are not alone.
I wish we could all hang out more, my writer friends and me. I think then that I wouldn’t feel so tired and alone in the writing that I do. For writing is a very lonely thing. We have to shutter out our friends and families, and even our goals and passions to do it. I want to hang out with all of you, have a beer, and tell you that I’m with you. Whenever you write, I’m doing the same thing. I feel glad to do it but it’s tiring and it’s not always my passion and I know I have to do it. I’m just like you and I know we all feel like we are juggling a million plates in the air to make sure our business, our voice, our books!, and all of our writings are heard, seen, and read. A hairdresser who is a writer? Yes. And sometimes I just want to be a hairdresser and sometimes I want to write books and write blogs. And sometimes I just want to know that someone else is out there doing the same thing as I am and that it makes you feel crazy too.
Please comment here if you like. Or you can tweet me up or even buy my book at www.mafiahairdresser.com
My first promo books will be signed and delivered by mid March! Whoo-hoo!
Love ya,

How to live with man.

“I don’t understand why he doesn’t respond in a reasonable manner to my requests.” Yes, I know: No one really says that sentence in that way. But that is the basic sentiment that a lot of my female clients express to me about their boyfriends and husbands. Mostly, it’s just my job to just keep making pretty hair on their heads while telling them, “I hear ya,” so they end up feeling beautiful, emotionally open, relieved, reassured and, ultimately, empowered!
But, as a writer, I get to say, “I’ve been doing your hair for years, for almost as long as you’ve been doing guys, and you still keep saying the same frustrating thing about your men. Listen to yourselves, beyochs! Men aren’t ever going to respond in a manner that is reasonable to you because we’re guys and we respond to all requests, and all stimuli, as guys. And you woman keep expecting men to respond to your requests as you would like: as a woman. That’s insanity!”
Oh yes, I’m going to give you a straight-to-the-point tutorial, with bullet points, on how you can get your man to do what you want him to do. But first, let me tell you how my overly-broad rant was born. Today, my client, “Betsy,” came in for her highlights and she was typically depressed because her husband was being distant and they were having another, nothing out of the ordinary dry spell in their communication. He didn’t understand that when she asked him to do things like take out the trash, that it was helping her to have more time for him and doing other things like make dinner reservations, organize the cleaning help and nanny, and buy his family their Christmas gifts. I love this stuff because a)it’s not my problem, and b)hearing this stuff constantly assures me that I’m not crazy and that I’m just one of the human race who has the same problems (not exactly tho) that no one talks about publicly enough! Oh yes, and c) because I’m a writer and I get to process my clients’ thoughts and stories and wrap and weave them around my fictional characters so I don’t have to actually delve into my own psyche or process my own personal frustrations with women and men. In other words, I get to write and judge.
Which leads me to my first bullet point:
• We will avoid processing any information, emotional or otherwise, if our mind is on something else.
So if you want your husband to help pick up, or watch the baby “for just ten minutes!,” when he gets home from work , just take a cheap Libby brand glass and smash it on the kitchen floor and yell any old thing about going crazy. After your less-than-a-minute tirade, your man will be glad to watch the baby because his mind had immediately let go of his day at work and he will then be in the mode of trying to placate and appease you, the mother of his child. (So what if it’s out of fear.) But if you try and explain to him why you need a breather and how much you really do while he’s at work, you’re going to get glazed eyes and you’ll only get ten minutes. Go for results. Not reason. For the next time: always switch it up–never repeat the same tirade.
• If we nod yes to your request, and have a glazed look in our eyes, it means that we checked the listening box in the “I’m doing a good thing list,” but we will not remember what you just asked us. The memory of your request will be gone in less than 7 minutes. And if we know you saw that look that lets us off the hook.
My boss, Allison, sometimes forgets that I’m guy (believe me, when you work with and for women, it’s easy to do, even if you’re a straight dude…another article…), and sometimes she gives me pertinent work information too quickly or casually for me to process or remember. She told me, in casual passing (she’ll deny that), that there are these little forms to fill out if I wanted to take a day off, which would insure that my clients didn’t schedule on a day that I was not going to be there. Simple. Right? Well, I remember filling something out, but I don’t think I gave them to her. Doesn’t the front desk process paper things? (I do remember thinking that.) Anyhoo, I think I put them on the front desk… Story short: I was calling a bunch of clients a day ahead of their scheduled appointments to tell em, “Allison, didn’t tell me how to submit the forms so….” What Allison should have done, in the first place–to snap me out of what I was thinking, or not thinking at all (she saw the glazed eyes!), was to give me a mental & emotional picture; such as how I would feel like shit and be embarrassed if I had to personally call my clients to tell them that I would not be there for their scheduled appointments.
F__k the one-minute management stuff if you’re trying to make a man remember your request: use scary mental visuals. Remind men that you might come unhinged if your request might not be completed as stated. Scary visuals and memories work.
• If we get quiet, it means we are rejecting your request but are avoiding any confrontation on the issue.
This is the one where you get to be very quiet. No tirades or threats, and no reasoning! A good stare down will disrupt any rejection of your request to something like, “I really think the dogs need to be walked now.” Of course he doesn’t want to walk the dogs. Dexter’s on and setting the DVR would mean taking his hand away from his beer bottle. But a disturbing long stare into the side of the head is so unnerving that he’ll just get up and do it without any wasted long winded explanations.
• If we ask you for details about something like, “what exactly do you want me to pick up at the store?” We are asking you for simple list on a piece of paper.
Do not go into a diatribe about why you want the shit, who birthday it’s for and when we are giving it to them… TMI! If you want men to actually remember to take the list with to the store: paperclip it to his wad of cash.
• If you’ve done something fabulous and want him to notice, leave out the tell-tale signs for him to see how much work you’ve put into doing it.
If you’ve got your hair done: wear a better than usual outfit & pumps, then have your Gay over for an early evening martini when he gets home. Most men are a little jealous of their woman’s friendship with their Gays. If he’s always relieved you are with your Gay so it gives him more time for football you will have to include your Gay’s hot straight brother in your posse.
If you’ve taken it upon yourself to putty, sand and paint that short wall where he took down the partition between the kitchen and living room last winter: leave out the paint, and putty knifes and make sure you put a drop of paint on the cuff of his favorite blazer that he left on the stove the night before. When he gets home, apologize profusely for ruining his coat. He won’t be mad at all but he’ll feel like shit and you’ll probably get taken out to dinner.
If you’ve gotten Botox and you want him to notice, you’re an idiot because you should know that no man can discern those subtle changes in his woman-friend-spouse’s face because we are always looking down when we are listening to you.
Look, it’s about results and harmony. It’s not about training or getting men to think like women. I think if you ladies, and men who live with men, would just shift your thinking, we’d all be a lot happier and we wouldn’t even know why.
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