5/12/2012 DAY 33Maybe it isn’t the accumulation of actual years or my culminating wisdom and maturity that comes along with turning 50 that seems monumental, maybe it’s writing this blog that makes me feel like this birthday is turning out to be something special? But I’ve never felt such an urgency to take stock of my life’s meaning or work before, and I have never suffered such agony at the same time over a birthday either. I do feel “a shift.”
I think it’s a combination of the natural process that most men go through when they get to this age and the fact that I’ve taken a few hours a day to actually delve deeper into that process that is making this birthday quite extraordinary. I’m not sure I recommend doing something like this if you are guy who is turning 50. It’s like coming from a dark depth and swimming to the surface too fast; it’s not pleasant but it is exhilarating and illuminating.
I can honestly say that I don’t feel the same way that I did, 33 days ago. I am not the same man. As you know, I have been “39 years old” for 11 years and I have just caught up with myself by outing myself so, you know, that has been a mind-f_ck all in itself and just saying it for 32 days has been a slapping affirmation. But I do feel good. Better. And I’m not mad at my friends or my family or my minister anymore. I’m also not as resentful or angry at the aging process as I was. (It is stupid though.) Because I’ve written my words and angst and vitriol onto these pages I’ve detached their hooks from heart so now I feel…hopeful.
I was blessed to attend a wonderful workshop in the early 80s called The Experience. It’s still available today in New Mexico and I won’t say much more about it except that everything I have learned in life was given to me in that 3 day workshop; only I’ve have spent the past 50 years using only portions of the knowledge I learned in that workshop at any one time. In The Experience they handed out one of the few worksheets used and it is called “The Consciousness Measuring Scale.” It’s the coolest thing and I’ll share it with you if *you ask me but, like the workshop, if I just followed what was on that little piece of paper daily I would never had nary a problem in my life.
On the Consciousness Measuring Scale sheet of paper it has category columns such as “If you feel like…,” “If you perceive your situation to be…,” “Then take stock of your situation and do this…” I’m not quoting the measuring scale but I’m not even simplifying how easy it is to start moving “up” the scale from feeling like a victim or being angry–to feeling hopeful and then joyful and…better. We/I just don’t stop and hink about what the truth is in our individual “negative” situations: the ones that are unpleasant. We stew and wallow in them too long. I know that I was pissy and angry where it concerned turning 50 but this blog has been my Consciousness Measuring Scale. It has taken me from feeling victimized or terrorizing to hopeful. I’m hopeful that I can feel empowered by the end of this 50 days but I never would have even hoped for that thought at the beginning of this process.
I can see now that I was focusing on the very negative things which, in metaphysical and natural law terms, means that I was only going to feel, see and receive other negative things. Thoughts are powerful, dudes. And I’m glad I’ve been writing mine down to get them out of my head because I think they would have been lurking around up there, growing and festering, unbeknownst to my conscious mind and they would have come out sooner or later and I’m sure I would have taken it out on everyone around me. When I hurt, I like company. Don’t you?
I have a much younger buddy who has been working very hard at his artistic endeavors and he seemingly has lost everything; his home, his bank account, and even his immediate potential for income. But it’s not surprising to me or any of our friends. For a long time it was very hard to be around him. He spoke how his friends and business associates had never helped him enough, he likened his work situation and goals to be nearly impossible and unattainable and he spoke, thought, and acted out of a victim consciousness. I continue to see the incredible artist in him. So does all of our friends. But until he starts some kind of process to change the way he is thinking I fear that he may never receive all that he deserves for being that great artist. I can only feel hopeful for him and myself and that is my gift to both of us.
I do have a PDF of the Consciousness Measuring Scale. It super cool and I can email it to you. All you have to do is go to MafiaHairdresser.com and use the information sheet. Just tell me you want the Consciousness Measuring Scale and I’ll email it to you and I won’t add you to my email list unless you also state that you want me to. (Sometimes I send out a monthly newsletter.)
I put the link to The Experience in this blog and I recommend it to everyone. It’s one of the loveliest things anyone can do. It’s affirming. It’s loving. And it has no doctrine or religion to it whatsoever. It’s just a workshop where you can immerse yourself in yourself and learn all the tools you need to have and enjoy the best life EVER! I went to the website and the next one is in August. You can spend years and thousands of dollars on shrinks or you can go to one wonderful weekend in New Mexico. I think The Experience should be part of every school curriculum. It’s been around for 30 years and people like me still tell people like you about it and I think that says a lot.