50 Days of 50: Ode to Barnabas Collins DAY 32

5/11/2012   DAY 32Mafia Hairdresser

I totally see the fascination with vampires. They have the ability to live a lot longer than humans which gives them the advantage to make financial mistakes and then being able to build back their wealth. They could never walk into a bank and kill everyone and fly away with the money because they are not awake during business hours. But I think they could hang out by an ATM machine late at night and then swoop down and take the money of people getting cash. I’d be rich if I were a vampire.

Vampires don’t get old and, as attractive as that is, I really don’t understand why most of the vampires in movies and TV do not use spray tan. Just because you become undead and your skin clears up and pores get smaller, does that mean you have to look so pale? The Twilight vampires never sleep, which is really great for time management but they sparkle in the daylight instead of burn up and that just aint right. If you’re going to be pale, be pale and sparkly, but only at night when it’s appropriate. As pretty at they are, I don’t want to be a Twilight vampire. I’d be a traditional vampire like Dracula or Barnabas Collins and I would certainly use spray tan when I went out at night–or glitter whenever I felt like it.

I love the fact that I could feed on only the bad people in my community which would ultimately lead to a dip in crime. But I would have to make a few of my righteous friends be vampires with me because I don’t think I could ever be hungry enough to clean up all the crime in Chicago by sucking the blood of all the bad people.

I’m pretty sure if I got mad at one of my friends who I didn’t make into a vampire I’d be tempted to feed on them too. But I’d try to restrain myself. I know that would make me a bad vampire-person if I just fed on someone because they pissed me off.

Everyone would want to be a vampire if it were possible. I don’t think there is really any downside to it. Maybe you’d start flipping out because you couldn’t see the sun anymore. But after few years of seasonal disorder syndrome, some money in the bank, some Valium, along with the knowledge that you rid your city of crime it seems like it would be such an easy price to pay.

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I was in Kindergarten and 1st grade and, after school, I was allowed to roam the block where I lived and I’d knock on the door of the Jones’. They’d always roll their eyes and let me in and I’d talk to Mr. and Mrs. Jones in their living room as if I were there on a real visit to see them. But as soon as they offered me some of that sugary wiggly candy on their coffee table I was out the door and on to the next house. The world had no vampires back then–just good people.

My first vampire love was Barnabas Collins of Dark Shadows.

The last house on the block that I would visit was that of Ruby Keyes. I don’t remember if she was married or a widow but I remember she had a pool of which I was never allowed to swim in. Mrs. Keyes always closed the drapes to her living room bay windows whenever I arrived at her house because her house faced my house where me and my parents lived; and we could not let my mother know what we were up to. You see, Ruby Keyes let me watch her favorite soap opera with her–it was called Dark Shadows. It was filled with chilling characters who kept scary secrets and it had creepy segue music between scenes. Barnabas was tall and seemingly in charge and yet vulnerable at the same time. He was a wonderful character and I’m sure he sparked my love of story and character. I do not know how long it took for Mrs. Keyes to know that I was the kind of kid who wasn’t scared of monsters or never had nightmares from scary movies. I was a child who loved a good drama, and the scarier the better. Dark Shadows was not for children and I never told my parents that I watched it with Mrs. Keyes during those 2 years we lived across the street from her because I’m sure they’d say, “Oh that explains everything.” Whatever. I’ve grown up to be a guy who likes drama but can keep scary secrets.

Thank you, to the Joneses, for the candy. And thank you, Mrs. Keyes for trusting me and filling my head with scary and fun fantasy. Thank you, Barnabas. I’ve become a good vampire because of all of you.

Is anyone going to see the new movie, Dark Shadows, based on the original TV series?

If you do, let me know what you think. I’ll see it soon but not sure when.


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