Oy. It’s only day 16?! At this point I wish to express that I want this 50 days to be over and done with and part of my past because, just like most processes and goals we set into motion, we end up getting more than we bargained for in the process–and I don’t like what I’m getting out of this one — so far.
Writing 50 Days of 50 seemed like a great idea. I had a “few” anger issues about turning 50 and I thought it might be a laugh to voice them and see who else might relate. Catharsis? Always. But, for me, this blog has inadvertently unearthed some buried cursed treasure of emotions. Whatever pirate of my subconscious had buried this “treasure” certainly knew what he was doing because I believe it was never intended to be found nor dealt with, processed, or worked out.
The “gold” that is now in my hands is a sense of urgency. Up to this point in my life I never had one. I knew I would be an actor and, “bing,” I was an actor. Same with writer, blogger, public speaker, and more. (I’ve kept my day job as hairdresser throughout all of my carriers.) All the things that I’ve done, career-wise and skydiving, running races, stand up comedy, and more, have all been learned, slowly but surely, and at my own pace with the thought that there would always be more bucket list items to check off and careers to move onto.
But there are really only two things that I have excelled at: hairdresser, and writer. The rest of what I have done is part of a “jack of all trades” lifestyle and attitude. I’ve been a dabbler. And this brings me to the fact that, maybe, I have never actually even achieved “master hairdresser” or “successful writer” titles. For what has either brought me? Financial security? Noooo: And that is only because I never even “dabbled” in finance and, from both of these careers, I have funneled every once of income into “playing” or playing at my smaller side-careers. Don’t get me wrong, I love being the best hairdresser and writer that I can be. These paths have enriched my life and, I hope, other people’s lives. In fact, I’m known I’m an expert in both fields. But now I feel that I might, one day, have to make a choice and that makes me sad. As David pointed out to me the other day, “what if this writing thing doesn’t work out?” He stated I’m putting all my eggs into writing books (working on book 3 of Mafia Hairdresser series) and fiction is a hard field to break into.
Have I been a creative type or a dreamer too long? Doesn’t every artist endeavor eventually find an audience? I have never focused on a financial payoff but, because I’m turning 50, this process and point in my life has made me think it’s about time.
It’s not any reader’s job at this point to make too many judgments about me, or turning 50. But I caution anyone who starts out to read a blog or a book like this. You think you start out reading it because you heard it was funny or poignant or someone told you about it, but all “good reads” end up changing you. I believe that if the writer is committed to his writing he becomes part of it; as a result, the reader is affected as well. Look away, dear reader, look away. Because one day you’re going to get old and the longer you suppress that emotional connection to that intellectual thought the better. I just wish I could have lived in ignorance a little while longer.
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