50 Days of 50: Pre-Mortem Ode To All Women DAY 6

Mafia Haidresser

4/15/2012 Day 6

I like this 50 Days of 50 format and I think I’ll do something like 50 Days of Women after I’m finished, or 50 Mythical Ways to Understand Women, or 50 Gays Who Owe Women. You see, I’ve become a man because I’ve emulated my heroes and grown up learning what not to do by hanging with dude friends and I’ve had the loves of my life who taught that it’s okay to be alone-or not. And many key men, like my dad, my Grandpa and my best buds have also helped in the molding of my person. But its women who, throughout my life, have taken on the most vital roles of shaping me and I have learned manners, patience, respect, responsibility, tenacity, love, and communication such as how to read people, how to listen, and how to get what I want from another man through effortless fear tactics instead of energy expending might.
I also fear women. From boyhood one must learn to fear the “weaker sex” so you will be allowed to receive their teachings and be bestowed upon their much needed guidance to becoming a good man. I don’t care if you’re a fellow gay; just because we share a common goal of acquiring men in our bedrooms does not mean we share the very basics traits and inner-drive mechanisms that make us those guys and sets us apart from the multi-tasking, out-thinkers. We men are selfish, lazy, sex obsessed, we can only think and do one think at time, we are crass in public (women: in private), we are irresponsible and we only learn to think about the consequences of our actions after years of being taught, berated, browbeat, loved-up, cajoled, manipulated, harped-on, taunted or threatened by women.
I am being sincere when I say, thank you, ladies. I would never walk into a new restaurant, or try a new dish, or have tried on a new look without you pushing me. Most of me and my men friends are not as brave as you. We usually like what we like and we’d stick with it for decades (if you’d let us), whether it be food or fashion we’ll always become lazy and we would prefer not to be razzed by our pack when we get a new shirt or haircut.
Another thing that you’ve done “at me,” that seems to have finally sunk in (after 49 years and 359 days) is that I am now a man who knows what is appropriate what to do and what not do in public, and I learned it from the look. Women have that look that says, “Really? That’s how you’re going to behave? Really?” Guys, you know the look. It feels like your balls have been cut off because it’s the look that’s usually reserved to immaculate and embarrass you in public after you’ve done a bad thing that you didn’t quite think of the consequences of before doing. Countless times I’ve made an ass out of myself and have been “bad dogged” into behavior modification such as when I was arguing over dinner with another woman about Sarah Palin, of all things. Of course I was right in my debate, but I was rude to my friend and I was calling Palin all kinds of gender slurs which exposed my speciously ignorant inner gender superiority complex. There was a group of us at that table and another girl, “Allison,*” gave me the look. When a woman gives a guy the look in front of other guys, the other guys immediately look away like cowards who have succeeded in not be chosen as the yearly human sacrifice to the maze gods at an Inca fest. Even our waiter and everyone at the tables around me knew that I had said something obnoxious and baaad, and not because anyone but my table could hear me. Forget about the quiet under-her-breath tongue lashing that Allison gave me after the look, or the fact that she had, yet another, incident in which to embarrass me with for the rest of my life (unless I killed her and was able to make it look like an accident); that look zinged me with its unmistakably clear lesson and I am a better man for it.
Well, that’s it for today’s 50 Days of 50 blog. As you can see, I could write all day about how much I love the women friends in my life and what I’ve received from them. Literally I owe the women my life for everything I am and am afraid of. And I know we men would have blown up our world, long ago, had it not been for the look, among other things that you have bestowed upon us.
I will take this time to mention a few key women in my life who I want to thank as I approach this 50 year milestone: My mom—you are the one person in my life who I have learned the most from and I could write a whole how-to book about you being the best mother anyone could have been born to because of the way you lovingly, and seemingly effortlessly, raised me and my brother. Both of my Grandmas—thank you, God, for giving me these two ladies. I am not a lazy man per se, I have manners, and I am not really afraid of getting old or passing through that door (one day) because of you. Leslie Diamond, my first boss at Jon Don’s in Naples Isle, Long Beach, Cal.-you have no idea how dear you were to me. Sylvia Friedman, you are my heart. My Gal Posse in Long Beach and my new Gal Posse here in Chicago—thanks for the other looks too. To my women clients: you have enriched my life more than any man has a right to receive in a lifetime — I promise to write about you soon and we’ll all have a good laugh and cry, just like we do when you come in to get your hair done.

MafiaHairdresser.com for more
*That’s her real name—but I put it in italics so you can’t be sure and so maybe she’ll stop telling those true and embarrassing stories about me every time I repeat my stupid actions in public.

P.S. I swear, you women are smart but you sure are either masochists or saints.

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