I am declaring, right here and now, that I will probably never join your rewards program. I will not sign up to receive your discounts. And I cannot fathom even thinking about clicking on anything to get the coupon deal, even if it could save me 50% or more on my next meal at my favorite restaurant or store.
The other day when I was doing my friend and client Kim’s hair, she told me to go to Groupon.com and get the $100 for $50 “daily special” for one of my Chicago restaurants, Elate. Well, I have always recommended Groupon to my clients and I love the restaurant at Hotel Felix, Elate. So I told all my other clients about it the rest of the day. I’m just one of those guys/hairdressers that likes to, not only run your life by telling you how you should look, but I like to help you in your day-to-day life as well. This is probably a damaged-ego thing, but I feel it’s in the “helpful symbiotic” category and it makes both me and my clients happy.
Anyway, on my way home from “helping” people at work, I stopped at a CVS to get a packet of adult bed wetting pads and noticed that there were two prices on the shelf-marker. One for CVS members and one for non-members. Then I remembered why I did not like to shop at CVS. I had to carry yet another membership card, sign up with my email address so they could hound me, or worse, send me paper shit at home.
The whole reason I was getting the damned wet-the-bed pads was because my room-mate and I have little dogs and we know that the adult pads are cheaper than buying the actual dog wee-wee pads. [See, there I go again, passing on useful information. I can’t stop! You’re welcome.] But at CVS they have to rub it in my face that I will LOOSE money if I don’t join their stupid club or rewards program; of which I will forget to activate online, or I’ll forget the actual activated membership card at home when I go to purchase my next packet of adult bed wetting pads. It’s not enough that anyone in line thinks I’m incontinent. I have to feel like I’m stupid for forgetting the coupon or card. Or I have to feel like I’m loosing money and maybe I’m just too lazy to save it.
From now on, F-U: Ace Rewards and Best Buy and DSW. Screw-you to every restaurant that gives me those tree-wasting hole punch cards. And ptew-ptew on you Groupon.com and firstgiveing.com. I’m done with you and your complicated savings. I’m paying full price and I will have more time and less money and I’m gonna live my life, god-damn-it!
But I will totally recommend you to all my friends and clients. There are some very good deals out there. Ya’ll should know about them.
Soooo, after I got home from Walgreen’s with my dogs’ cheaper wee-wee pads, I sat down at my computer and wrote what I’m sure was a pleasant blog about hair, or something about how to be green or about cute furry animals. Something helpful. By the time I went to bed I, of course, forgot to go to Groupon.com. I missed the daily deal.
The next day when Kim called me to go to Elate for dinner, there was a surge of hate and bile that riled up in me. I was very angry. At first, I felt it all for Kim for telling me about the deal, of which I lost out on, and then the rage turned upon myself for WASTING money. And then, suddenly, I felt a calm, like I have never known. I found my inner peace. And then I said to Kim, “I’m free tonight. You’re buying.”
Groupon.com Firstgiving.com HotelFelixChicago.com You really should try them all.
And you should also subscribe to my blog or go to MafiaHairdresser.com. I will probably not reciprocate if it’s too hard or if I have to remember a special code or carry a card.
Please order your copy of Mafia Hairdresser, the novel about my life as a hairdresser to a mob couple in the 80’s, and subscribe to this blog!